selfish internals of a teenager

i dont really know how to say it


i feel like the life's draining out of me

i feel like theres no point in anything

i want to care for people, but i dont know how

how do i get in touch with them to care for them

how do i know when they need caring for

how am i supposed to achieve anything in this world

i dont know what to do

i thought i did... now im not so sure

was what i was doing right?

dad said to do what i wanted

but i feel like trying new things i might want

is just leaving all the things i used to like behind

am i just moving forwards?

or am i just changing direction

i dont want to lose anything

but how can i gain without losing?

how can i have everything

i want people to like me

i want people to see whats inside

but i dont know how to show it

i get embarrassed

i want to be a caring person

i feel that i am inside

but is it worth nothing if i cant show it?

can i get over this embarrassment and simple be me?

im not sure if i can

or if thats really me

am i deluding myself?

am i really not that person i thought i was?

who am i?

how will i know when im being me?

how will i know when im on the right path?

is there a path for me?

is there really a place in this world where i can truely belong?

will i ever find it?

i want the confidence to be the me thats in my head

i will try

but i just dont know anymore

im 18 and i've hit another brick wall

nothing i do is making any difference

im no closer to my goals

all im doing is wasting time doing useless things

i get social skills out of it but nothing that seems real

cant i just have one opportunity hit me?

just so i know where i am

just a sign

anything

So i've been doing a presentation on Tibet on the old powerpoint
ive realised from the many documentaries of it, that it is a really wonderful place
except for the poverty of course

but theres nothing wrong with a simple way of life
i'd love to go and live off the land in some community
that would be the most amazing experience

thats why i want to be an anthropologist
go and see other cultures and live with them and things
obviously there would have to be some work involved...

i'd love to make a TV show or something
or write books about the places i go to
i just want to travel so so much!

Japan first, i've decided
Hokkaido definately for the rice farms
then Osaka for the town life and bustling trains and such
then Kyoto for the history and the spas and temples

Then off to China or the Himalayas for the buddhist temples
i would love to join in and live like them!
dunno if they would let me when i dont actually have a religion
i couldnt lie to them, i;d have to point out that i dont want to become a buddhist
just want to know how it would be to live like one

its so exciting, thinking through what you could do in your life
but it all comes down to money
it always does

and im kinda scared i'll find a place i love so much that i'll forget my home and friends
and just stay there forever...

who would miss me eh? =P

but seriously
who in their right minds would not want to see a Tibetan prayer bell
its a massive bells with prayers writen all over it
well they can be really big, or tiny ones in rows
and you spin them to makes the bell ring
and the sound reaches the gods
with the big bells, the children sit on them when they spin round like a roundabout
think about our roundabouts compared to theres
totally different way of life

has anyone looked up at the sky and wondered who is looking up at that same moment
where are they?
what are they doing?
are they thinking the same thing as me?
what do they look like?
these are the questions i want to know

im fed up of researching on the internet, its all middle class american rubbish
they've never been there
never experienced it
thats what im going to do
im going to find those people and learn about them
i want to know!

Hoxy
xxx

Oriental Hoxy

OH MY GOD
havent blogged for AGES
my sincerest apologies!
well anyone who has seen my msn name knows i've been very oriental recently! ^.^
day before yesterday i went to Rai's house and we went out together for a chinese
we had muscles and chicken in sweet and sour sauce annnd mushrooms and egg fried rice and noodles with beef and all sorts of tasty things!
we used chopsticks too and rai was very messy ^.^ i was rather clean about it
we had chinese tea at the end which made us need the bathroom ALOT
we barely made it home!
both walking very wooden on the way back =3
THEN
the next day...
me and my mummy went shopping! ^.^
so we brought some stuff, including my awesome new tartan shoes!
and mum tells me she saw a China exhibition in the museum!
so i just said "AH LETS GOOO!"
we finally found the musuem after a bit of jiggery pockery round the market stalls and a rather unsettled arabian man...
and we went in and there was FREE chopsticks! so i stocked up on the bamboos =3
the exhibition was AMAZING
it had loads of information about normal life and writing and the cookery god!
my mum was rather less impressed but my eyes were sparkling!
i was telling her about oracle bones, which i new about already ^.^
they wrote a question to ask the gods on a bone and heated it in the fire until it cracked
then they read the cracks to get the answer!
my mum just gave me a disbelieving look...
so we finished at the museum and was on our way back to the car, when we saw a nice tea shop called Wittards that we go in sometimes.
so i suggested we buy some chinese tea!
and we did! ... only it was japanese... it tasted the same...
so back on our way to the carpark, i saw a little shop selling bits and bobs and pretty things
i looked in the window and saw one corner was full of pots and things
and i saw a pot of noodles that had a hole you can out your chopsticks in!
i was very tempted, but i didnt buy it because when i have noodles, i have ALOT of noodles
but i brought some sexy black chopsticks with koi fish on them, which i actually used that night what i had stirfry!
and i also brought a little oriental looking mug, that didnt have a handle, and was proberly made in liverpool, but nevermind.
its very cute and i use it when i have my japanese tea now, which i found was called Sencha
so we carried on, still going to the carpark laden down with shopping, when we passed a japanese food stall
the sushi was very expensive, but a woman was handing out free samples so i got mum to try some cucumber maki with me ^.^
it was very nice!
and finally got home and had japanese tea and stirfry
but i still need a big bowl for my stirfry and a china pot for my tea
thats my next mission!

au revoir
Hoxy
xxx

Time in the Woods

AH im sorry i didnt post!
I went out for a walk around the woods instead

hence the new profile picture

went out for about 2 and a half hours...

was really cool

I was playing ninja and sneaking round people without them seeing me and climbing trees to watch them from above

once i actually jumped across trees

was rather Tarzan like

haha

took some rather nice pictures...

and some odd videos of me explaining that i live there and stuff...

dont really know what i was on

hyper on nature obviously...

well heres some pictures...

and yes the ones with me in i took myself

put them on a 10 second timer and legged it up a hill

got quite tiring after a while

writing more of my story... this is my 4th one. The first was Ebony Angel, which i finished, but i havent got it published because its not good enough yet. Theres not enough detail and my wordings funny in places. OH the sunflowers blew over... be right back.

Ew now im wet... its raining... i found a grasshopper! he was cute with his protruding antenae ^.^

anway! My first story needs work, and my 2nd story was turning into the same story line as the first one... so that went down the drain, and the 3rd book, the story line was so complicated and didnt really fit together... so i gave up on that. THIS book however is totally different.

THUNDER

Armouroth (my 4th book) is about a girl -

LIGHTNING .... sorry its very exciting!

- is about a girl in hospital with cancer, whos only possession is this book that shes reading about a princess who gets kidnapped for money and ends up escaping and living with peasents. And its all set in the middle of a big war between the East and West of Cheen (a made up country.. obviously).

WOAH i just saw that whole lightning bolt! the thunder lasted like 30 seconds!! EEEE!

au revoir!

Hoxy xx

Phew!

Had a complicated day today!

Let try and explain this...

Well i woke up at 7am ish

i went downstairs and read my book whilst eating breakfast

Jean M.Auel is an amazing author!

anyway

i made a victoria sponge cake, and while it was cooking i went and had a nice long bath while singing rather loudly or annoyingly to my music

then i had a complete clear out of my room and now its extreme bare and empty and i think it's never been this empty before!

i painted a ying yang sign to put on my door, as the last one was getting a bit scrappy

then i watched anime for a bit as a break, because everyone needs a break right?

then i ... took a nap until dinner when my mum came home

and we had chicken and leek risotto with broccoli which was very nice

then we ate my victoria sponge which i had two slices of and now feel slightly ill...

then i went upstairs and painted a bit more while listening to good old Radio 1

i love Westwood!

anyway...

the pictures turned out pretty rubbish

one was called The Fisher and The Koi Pond which i did with just my fingers

and i did another of one of the fushias outside with water colours which was kind of rubbish

then i came downstairs and took some pictures of the snapdragons outside which are now in bloom as you can see:

I applied for a volunteer job at The Living Rainforst, and just need to get dad to read the letter to check its okay and its good to go in the post yay ^.^

that about it for today

but TOMORROW im going to College with Vixie to paint a WALL

WOOOO

its a mural for Sociology but some people have drawn hitler moustaches on the people so we're going to paint over them for our teacher ^.^

i cant wait!

i'll post tomorrow!

au revoir

Hoxy

xx

Books about Nothing

Magic exists everwhere we look, but we arent looking. We are always stuck in fast forward. Walking fast with our heads to the ground to see where we are going. Avoid other people's eyes for fear of them looking back. We dont stop to think and look up at the ever changing sky. The sky may be grey, but even grey is beautiful. The sky could be obscured by trees, showing nature taking whatever course it choses. It could be the shine of windows of a building, showing us how far humans have come in such a short time.
This is about all the things we dont see because we are not looking. We never wake up and open our eyes and become suprised that we have eyes to open. We never feel the breeze on our face and be thankful that it is there every single day for us to breathe in and out again. Yes, "we" means myself included. Life moves too fast for us to relish in the good things:
The taste of sunday dinner; the liquid tenderness of gravy, the thick chewy chicken and the suprisingly neutral crunch of yorkshire puddings. We dont remember this, we just wolf it down likes its going to suddenly dissapear. What if that food did actually dissapear? What if we didnt have food on our plates? We would finally realise how wonderful that food really was to us, and we would regret not cherishing it at the time that we had it on a plate in the palms of our hands. We dont look at a flower and think "How did it get here?". We barely give it a glance and think "It's just a flower". What if that flower was suddenly gone?
There is such life and genuine beauty all around us, in everything, and we dont even notice. What does that say about us? We are always moving forwards. Walking with our eyes on the horizen. We dont live in the present, no matter how many people tell you it so. We live in the future. For evolution. For perfection. When everything we need is right next to us, we move away to something new. This is the human's downfall. This is why humans will not live forever as we are. We will move forward to destruction.You'd be surprised how much reading can make you think. Reading unhinges your mind so you can see whats all around you. Reading helps your mind's eye see. Like some sort of demented pair of glasses...

Hoxy of The Arts

well im reading The Valley of Horses by Jean M. Auel
its the secong in a 5 book series!
its so so good
about this girl who get adopted by this neanderthal clan and shes different from them so they reject her and she has to find the other people that look like her

I've had a very good day today.
i tidied my room
i drew lots of pictures... and now i have pen all over my hands... and maybe on my face.
i've sang and listened to music
i feel very refreshed =3

Hoxy of the Arts today
and LOVING it!

au revoir
Hoxy
xxx